A New Year of Hope

Okay, so I’m not big on New Year’s Resolutions. I figure if you can’t make the changes you want during the year, then what is January 1st going to do for you?  Making a change is hard, at anytime of the year.

Sure, I could stand to lose some weight. Sure, I could vow to eat healthier. Sure, I could say I’m going to spend more quality time with the family. (If I ever  get back home to have the time to spend.)

But in 3 weeks, when I’m tired of salads everyday and the fact I can’t go outside for a walk because of the foot of snow , I’ll be disappointed with myself.  So why set myself up for something I know I’m not ready or willing to change about my life?

Someone said to me a while ago -1 month changes your life permanently.  It seems so simple, 30 days to change a bad habit to the good. But what if it’s not a bad habit you want to change? What if it’s something abstract that you want to add to your life? Like Hope. Can you consciously say you’re going to be more Hopeful? Isn’t that like religion? Can you make that decision and go from not believing in a Higher Power to believing?

I’m not sure. Honestly, I’ve never been much of a hopeful person, or one that believes in a Higher Power controlling my life. Sure, part of me wants to believe. But, I’m usually the pessimistic one. The one who looks at the negative side of everything and decides if there can be a positive. Is that Hope?  Positive pessimism, maybe?

Can you make a New Year’s resolution to believe in a Higher Power? Can I say I want to lead a more Hopeful life? Will it take me a mere 30 days to achieve this? Or like losing weight, do I have to be ready and willing to make the change. Ready and willing to believe?

There’s a blog idea going around to try and sum up 2010 in 1 word. Wow. So much has happened in 2010. Can it really be summed up in one measly word? David was born in May, during that time there was happiness. But obviously our entire year has not been very happy.

Then there was the summer. I made that effort to spend quality time with the boys and their cousins. That was fun. Who knew the best bowler out of 6 people would be the 5 year old? But, other than the 2 months over the course of the summer,  I can’t say our year has been very much fun.

Of course, there was the actual liver transplant and I was thankful. Thankful to the donor family, thankful the actual surgery went so amazingly well, thankful brain damage was no longer in the picture. So at least for the first 8 months of the year, I can sum up our life as good.

But then GVHD struck. And now I count words like fear, anxiety, darkness, and guilt as part of my everyday vocabulary.  1 month changed our life permanently. And not for the better.

Or has it? Can I really take the events of the last 4, almost 5 months and say they have changed our life for the better?  I have to admit that I already appreciate more and more of the little things that sneak their way into our life. Once upon a time, chasing the boys around seemed like such a chore. Now I appreciate what little bit of time I get to spend with the   boys.  

Can I admit I am more hopeful?  Because I am. I have seen kindness in people that I never expected which makes me hopeful about people in general. I see little things that I once took for granted, hopeful that these events will repeat themselves. And I am beyond hopeful that David will recover. But, maybe that’s faith.

Although I’m not sure it’s faith in a Higher Power.

I struggle with the concept of Faith.

Because if I believe that this Higher Power can heal, doesn’t the reverse hold true? Didn’t this Higher Power make David sick in the first place?

I struggle with the concept of  a Higher Power.

But can I still be hopeful that this Higher Power exists, even if I struggle with the concept of having Faith in this Higher Power?

*sigh*

Maybe conundrum should be the word I choose to sum up 2010.

I don’t know. Hopeful is how I want to be going into 2011. So while I admit I am more hopeful than ever before,  I think there is room in my life for an even greater level of Hope.

I suppose in addition to my newly minted commitment to daily blogging, (Mindy’s right – Every Damn Day, Just Do IT, has meaning in my life, on so many levels!) I should add “Be more Hopeful” to my quasi list of New Year’s Resolutions.

So what should I pick as my one word to sum up 2010?

I’m thinking emotional would sum up 2010 quite well.

Here’s hoping (see how I worked that in there…)

Here’s hoping 2011 has less negative emotions than 2010 did.

Less negativity is always a good thing.

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Categories: Life | Tags: , , , , , , | 6 Comments

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6 thoughts on “A New Year of Hope

  1. I came upon your blog from blog frog and I read your post. You certainly have had many reasons to be “faithless.” But I don’t believe God makes us sick, (if you believe there’s a God and then opposite holds true – with Good there is an Evil force at work on the earth).

    Don’t lose faith in our “Higher Power.” HE’S there to comfort and support and above all Love us.
    I’ve been on dialysis (artificial kidney machine 3 x’s a week) for 22 years. If I lose my faith now, what have I got left?

    I hope this new year holds many miracles and great things for you =)
    Sandie lee

  2. Maybe “education” could sum it all up…if nothing else, it certainly sounds like it’s been that! I wish you the best of luck in 2011, sincerely.

  3. Luann

    I hope it comforts you to know that you are not alone in all that you are thinking and feeling. Since the beginning of time, mankind has struggled with the concepts of good and evil … a loving God in a fallen world.

    Personally, I have given up on trying to understand God. I have decided that life without hope is not worth living, and that if God’s ways were comprehensible to my puny mind, I would have no reason to worship Him; I would be Him. So I choose to trust that He is good and knows best, even when I am shaken to the core by things I can’t understand.

    Having said that, I admit I have never experienced the grief or pain that you have felt, so take it with a grain of salt. I will pray, however, that you will find many reasons to be hopeful in 2011 and that you will find peace in your struggle for faith.

    • Thank you, Luann – I like the way you explain it – I think I will tuck this in my pocket and keep it close – I hope you’re feeling good with your pregnancy ~Happy New Year to you!

  4. Here’s to being hopeful in 2011, Amy!

    Veronica 🙂

  5. Pingback: Godzilla versus 2011 | Etiquette From The Trenches

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