Pessimistic Optimism: A Mother’s Credo

I am not a perky person.

I do not wake in the morning, jumping up with a “Go Get’em” attitude. I do not spend my day’s whistling happily while bluebirds buzz around my head. I am not so mis-guided as to think the world is all cuddle-bunnies and  feather-pillows.

Nor do I feel I am a full-fledged pessimist. I do not fear the world ending. I do not have a rain cloud over my head spewing hail-stones and lightening rods. I do not dress all in black and mope around like Eeyore.

I am a realist. I am pessimistically optimistic.  I accept things for what they are. If I expect things to go poorly, I am wonderfully surprised when they go well. Conversely, if I raise my expectations and it goes poorly, I know I am setting myself up for major disappointments.

Like now. My life, my families’ life has been in turmoil for several months. It has been like a roller coaster. Good news, bad news, good news, even worse news. I take it all in stride. I cry. I write angry letters to that Omnipotent being with the weird sense of humor. I work it out and I accept it for what it it. It is how I cope. That and an odd mis-placed sense of humor. But you already knew that.

I am bracing myself for the unthinkable. But it doesn’t mean I’ve given up hope. David is in dyer straits, for that there can be no doubt. The uncontrollable bleeding (hemorrhage is such an awful word)  was not factored into the equation that already had GVHD, adenovirus, VRE, respiratory failure, renal failure, the list goes on and on. This new development indicates the adenovirus has settled into his liver. The one thing he had going for him was that beautiful, healthy liver.

Today’s adeno count was the same as yesterday’s.  I know, I know – I “should” be happy that it didn’t go up. The reality is – he got cidofovir yesterday – the count should have gone down. Staying the same is not good or bad – it just is.

He received 2 blood transfusions over night and will get another one this evening. That makes 9 blood transfusions in less than 72 hours He just completed his 4th unit of platelets and received the cryo earlier in the day. The bleeding has slowed some from his NG but has increased from the bottom-side.

The kidney doctors got involved today, they recommended against dialysis. His kidney’s are still producing urine, just not as much as the doctor’s would like to see, given the status of his lungs. He’s maxed out on diuretics.  His electrolytes indicate further that his kidney’s are not well. And the rest of him is too fragile to be able to handle dialysis.

I accept these are things I have no control over. And that, my friends, is the hardest thing in the world to face. I can’t make him better. I can hope for it, but it doesn’t make it so. I can prepare myself for the worse, but it doesn’t make the worse any more bearable.

All I can say is he made it through one more day.

Capt Snuggles ~ This picture is from November, 2010. The last time he was well enough to just be a babe.

And for that I am very grateful, indeed.

Categories: Life | Tags: , , , , | 18 Comments

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18 thoughts on “Pessimistic Optimism: A Mother’s Credo

  1. beingmekirrily

    And still, one big bundle or gorgeous happy. Bless him.

  2. beingmekirrily

    Of… I meant of! (not or)

  3. Amy, I’m visiting your blog for the first time after seeing your comment on Cecily’s (uppercasewoman) blog. I am heartbroken for Cecily and now for you and your family too. I’m praying for you, your precious little boy, and your whole family. May you receive the comfort, strength and energy you need. There is nothing anyone can say to make this any better for you. Just know there are people who care and are praying. ((((HUGS))))

  4. Still praying for all of you.

  5. Hun you and David r such strong people, showed my man apic of David and he said he is so cute and doesn’t know him but he wants to hold him! That pic made me so happy I cried! He is a beautiful baby! I know u will not ever give up hope bc your a mom and we will always fight till the end for our children! Hope and praying for another night! *HUGS* God Bless!!!

  6. *hug* Praying hard for you and all of your family.

    Voltaire once said “Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.” and sometimes that’s just the way it is.


  7. sharon

    I have only just found your blog via your comment on Cecily’s. My heart is so sore for you and your precious boy. How can so many things go wrong for one tiny little boy? If the hopes are running out then I’m wishing all of you peace.


  8. Luann

    I feel like anything I could say at this moment would be clique-ish, but I want you to know I read this and I’m thinking of you today. Peace to you…

  9. Goosebumps… thinking of you constantly and hoping for a post filled with hope very soon.

  10. I have to search out your blog whenever I log on to see how you guys are doing. My heart aches. Remain optimistic (pessimistically if you must).

  11. Praying. Praying so hard. For peace. For peace for your sweet Capt Snuggles and peace for you and the rest of your family.

  12. jen

    I found your blog through your comment on Cecily’s blog. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. ((((HUGS))))

  13. You and that precious baby and your family are being prayed for by so many who don’t know you. The tears flow in love and sympathy for someone I only know through the internet, but I am thankful for the opportunity to keep you in prayer as you are going through this very very difficult time. Just know that you are being held up to the Father each day.

  14. Continued prayers for David, for you and for your family. The comment above from Gloria says it perfectly, so know that there are many strangers out here who already love you and your amazing baby, even though we’ve never met.

  15. Amy,

    Still here and still thinking of you. 🙂


  16. Still sending thoughts and prayers your way…

  17. More love and thoughts coming your way — every day.

  18. Pingback: Life Blood « Running for Autism

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