Dear Capt Snuggles,

To my sweet Capt Snuggles,

David Henry, this is a hard letter to write. I wish that it was a rambling account of how things are this year, historical facts to remember, events to recount for when you grow old. But therein lies the problem. I write this letter because I know in my heart of hearts – you will never grow old. Those words rip out my heart and make me weep. I am at a loss on how to say goodbye.

Can I be honest with you? I was devastated when I learned I was pregnant again. I struggled with the prospect of motherhood overloaded. But I want you to understand, no matter how I felt before you were born – I loved you completely when you arrived.

You were beautiful, such hair! The dark color was deceiving, you were hiding all that red until we took to the sun and then you were breath-taking.  We did a lot in those first 3 months in spite of the weekly doctors appointments and the mandated round the clock feedings. Your brothers were so in love with you – they argued about who got to hold you first.

Jacob won, of course – his is your oldest little brother and he adored you. He even learned to change your diaper, he was quite proficient for being only 7.

Jonathan always wanted to sit with me when you took your bottle, he would try and hold the bottle for you, but you had to have the bottle just so and we ended up making a mess. Regardless, he was always concerned about you and your bottles.

And then there was Zachary, he loved to bring you toys, pile them on you, as a matter of fact. Sometimes I would find the oddest things stacked up in your little bouncy chair besides you. He always had a toy for ‘baby’.

Many, many people are heart-broken that you’re gone, none more so than I. I know, with absolute conviction, that I did the best I could for you. I know that the liver transplant was the only option at the hope for a normal life. I suppose that’s what it came down to, a hope.

But even for all those months in the hospital, there were bright times. I treasure each and every time I got to rock you or hold you, or simply bathe you.

Every time you opened your eyes it elicited murmurs of delight from myself and all your faithful Chaperones. I know your lullabies are playing softly where ever your sweet soul is.

I have to say goodbye to your body today, but not your spirit, never your spirit.  My arms ache to hold you once more and my chest is full of the shards of my broken heart. These past 5 months have been a marathon, a marathon of love and devotion that so many people are amazed at. But I acted in the only way I knew how. To be with you, to nurture you, to be your mama in the same way I am mama to your siblings before you.

You are held in the hearts of so very many people. I shared you with so many and received love and support back ten-fold. I am honored that you chose me to be your mama. I am equally devastated that you couldn’t stay.

Know that I love you more than these simple words can convey and you will always be my Capt Snuggles.

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Categories: Life | Tags: , , , , , | 31 Comments

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31 thoughts on “Dear Capt Snuggles,

  1. That was beautiful.

    Much love, hugs and strength to you and your family right now.

    Hed

  2. An absolutely beautiful letter. It is not nearly enough but.. again, I am so sorry David couldn’t stay. My heart is with you, his Dad and his big brothers.

  3. That was beautiful. Praying for you and your family. Rest in peace little one.

  4. God has a new, amazing angel named David. And He has used David’s mommy Amy to touch my life in so many ways. I love you Amy and I wish that I could heal your heart. This was a beautiful letter. I wish I had the perfect words to help you dear friend. You mean so much to me.

    Your #twitterdance friend,
    Crystal
    Domestic, But Not Martha

  5. David is watching over you and your family… Sending you love and condolences.

  6. Amy, I cannot imagine how you felt while you were writing this. It is so beautiful.
    There are no words at this point, so I will just give you a big (((((hug)))))

    Kirsten

  7. Jennifer

    Beautiful!

  8. Jennifer Miller

    Praying for your family’s peace in the storm.

  9. dysfunctionalsupermom

    I love the way you write to him knowing that his spirit is always with you. You are blessed to have had each other. Hugging you from afar today sweet friend.

  10. Thank you, Amy, for sharing that very beautiful and personal heart with us. You are in my prayers as you learn to cope without that dear little one. We were all blessed to “know” him–and you, my dear Amy. I am praying that God will reveal Himself to you in a very special way and that as you go home to mother those other precious ones, that He will give you His strength.

  11. Beautiful, Amy. Thank you for sharing David with all of us – what an amazing legacy. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I can’t even imagine your heartbreak — mine breaks with you today.

    Amy

  12. God be with you today and always.

    Such a tender, heartfelt letter.

  13. Amy, Thinking of you today and praying that God will give you supernatural strength and peace as your loved ones gather to remember David. Your tribute to him is beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.

  14. Tonya Fisher

    My friend,
    What a beautiful letter. My heart breaks and my eyes cry with yours today. I am so sorry I can’t be there with you and your family, as Isaiah has more appointments and Joshua is sick. I am with you in spirit and praying for strength and peace only God can give. Bless your wonderful family today and always. I wish I could have held, hugged and kissed David with you. He is such a beautiful boy with a beautiful spirit. He will be missed by so many. I know he is in heaven with God and no more pain. It will be like the blink of an eye before he sees you again. I know it will feel like forever for you. Our lives are short here, but forever in eternity. I am thankful I got to meet you while at the hospital and glad we don’t live too far from each other. I will keep in touch.
    Lots of love to you,
    Tonya

  15. Pingback: Dear Capt Snuggles, (via transplanted thoughts) | Gethealthywithmichelle's Blog

  16. Such a moving letter, he was blessed to have you there for him, for you to have each other. Godspeed Capt Snuggles. xx

  17. Tears in my eyes. What a beautiful tribute, and how said that you had to write it. I’ve only just started following your blog, but I’m thinking about you all the time.

  18. Sending you love & prayers nothing I could say after reading this…My heart aches for you~Shari

  19. David and u touched my heart in away I’ll never forget! Makes me think how precious life is even if it’s not forever! Build friendship and always think positive even when things r not looking good! Thanks for letting my family be apart of your wonderful family! You’ll always be apart of my daily prayers and in my heart! Much love for you and your family on this day and always!!

  20. crying …

  21. Our deepest sympathies. Those words are so inadequate for your pain, but they’re all I have. We are praying for you and your family. We are thanking God for the gift of David’s life. We are asking him to wrap you all in His love and give you peace each day, and strength for the next step. Thank you for allowing all of us to share in the miracle of David.

  22. What a beautiful letter..

    Have been thinking about your family today, and the last while..often.

    Sending you much love…

  23. Such a gorgeous letter. I’m one of the heartbroken ones, just a stranger on the Internet, but oh so sad. xo

  24. sharon

    The tears are flowing. I can’t imagine how you are coping but that was the most moving tribute I have ever read. You are a Mom in a million. Heartbreakingly sad that David couldn’t stay longer but be comforted by the fact that he has made such a difference to so many lives in the brief period of time we were privileged to share. I wish you peace to rebuild your lives.

    xoxox

  25. Pingback: Dear Capt Snuggles, (via transplanted thoughts) | Prepare For Rain

  26. There are no words. I’m just so so sorry, Amy.

  27. Pingback: Things Left Unsaid | transplanted thoughts

  28. Speechless and in tears. The love that radiated from this post is awe-inspriring.

    Love hugs and prayers, mama.

  29. What a beautiful post, Amy. Really amazing.

    Veronica

  30. What a heartfelt post.

  31. Reblogged this on Transplanted Thoughts and commented:

    We always talk about how fast or slow time goes by and four years certainly feels like both forever and just yesterday. The good – forever ago and the bad – just yesterday. I wrote this letter the day of your funeral – I still cry when I read it. My heart will always be broken, there’s just no way to heal the empty crevice you left. But that’s okay, I wouldn’t want to. Your physical presence in my life was a gift, no matter how temporary. Your sweet soul fills that deep crevice and holds the pieces of my heart together. Rest easy, Capt Snuggles – you are loved beyond measure and will never be forgotten.

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