My Clingy Minion

This is my minion.

Nose = Wii controller accident, it's hard being short.

 

He has become my other constant companion. He follows me through the house, he sits as close as he can while I’m at the computer or eating dinner, he cries when I leave the room and I must sit and watch Thomas & Dora & Caillou until I think my eyes are going to bleed. He wakes during the night and cries for me to lay down with him, forcing me to finagle myself besides him and his numerous stuffed animals.

I think maybe he’s like an animal that senses illness or impending death, only he senses sorrow and despair. He seems to appear when I’m feeling my lowest and quite frankly, it’s hard. It’s hard to watch him play and not think, David will never get to play with your trains. It’s hard to look at his clothes that he’s outgrowing and think I have no one to hand these down to.

It’s hard not to look at him and not think about David. Period.

To realize Zachary just reverted back to littlest brother status. That he’ll never have the honor of being a big brother. It just takes my breath away.

I’m sure he senses that the earth shifted. Does he sense the change in me as well? Or does he just know that his mama is back and he’s going to cling with all that he has?

He rambles on through-out the day Davy’s sick, he’ll get better. or That’s Davy’s, for when he comes home. I try to explain, but he has yet to grasp that Davy’s not coming home. And even though I know he doesn’t understand, it’s still painful to hear his innocent ramble.

So while it’s true that he still needs his mama, it’s not the same baby needs I was accustomed to. Maybe it’s not so much, time on my hands, as emptiness. A longing for the way things were 6 months ago, before that fateful call of hope.

*sigh*

He cried when I dropped him off at Preschool yesterday morning and was crying when I arrived. He didn’t want me to leave, which touches a raw nerve under normal circumstances, I think if the teacher hadn’t physically restrained him, I would’ve caved and brought him back home.

Apparently I was late picking him up – or so he thought. With teary eyes he ran to me in the hallway, glad I  hadn’t forgotten him. I have to tread carefully with him and his clinginess. One, because I don’t want him to become fearful that I’ll leave him and not come back and two, while I covet all the hugs he so freely bestows upon me, I can’t let him become my enabler.

My excuse for doing absolutely nothing.

It would be so easy peasy to sit together day after day and not do  anything but watch Caillou and munch our way through bags and bags of chips and snacks.

But really, what purpose would that serve?

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Categories: Life | Tags: , , , , , , | 5 Comments

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5 thoughts on “My Clingy Minion

  1. One of the things I like about you is that you’re very self-aware. And wise. The earth has indeed shifted for Zachary. And although he may not understand what happened, he’s clinging to his one sure thing: mama.

  2. It’s so hard for kids that age to understand something like this. James had a really hard time about a year ago when his beloved Kindergarten teacher unexpectedly died. It took him a while, and multiple gentle persistent explanations, but he did come to understand, with time.
    Zachary, I’m sure, does sense that life has changed in a very, very big way. So as Luann said, he is clinging to someone who represents security and stability.
    It’s early days. Very, very early days. It’s completely understandable to Zachary – and you – to feel insecure and disoriented.
    Hugs to you and hugs to Zachary too.
    Kirsten

  3. I think if you want to sit on the couch and be devastated for a time, cuddling the boy, healing, grieving, seething, healing, and letting love flow that is good. Do what your heart wants to do. Thinking of you and your family with love, wish you peace.
    Sami

  4. sharon

    Zachary would probably have been clingy after several months of upheaval and the absence of his Mama and ‘Davy’ even if David had been able to come home from the hospital. Let him be close if that’s what he needs. He is still a baby in many ways. Gradually things will settle down again and he will regain his confidence that you will not disappear for days whenever you leave his immediate vicinity. Zachary too needs to be given some more time to adjust to the quantum shift that has overtaken you all. In his own little way he is grieving even though he doesn’t really understand what has happened. Extra cuddles, whatever your age, never do any harm in my book 🙂

    xoxox

  5. It’s hard to give to a toddler or the under-ten set in normal circumstances. They are so much more demanding than babies because they need your mind, not just your cuddles or your breast. Under your situation, it would in intolerable were it not for the love you have for him, I think.

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