Every Damn Day Just Do It
Sounds like a Nike commercial, doesn’t it? If you have found my blog or any other website ever in your life – you know how to use a search engine. You know how to ‘google’ stuff. Do you ever put random words together to see what sort of pages you arrive at?
Someone entered the above set of words (probably googled them) and landed on my blog. (Most blog software keeps track of search terms.) Quite fitting actually, but raises the question – what was this person looking for?
I doubt it was the story about a little bambino languishing in a hospital bed.
I doubt it was the story about said bambino’s frustrated and exhausted mama.
Just what was this person looking for?
I’m sure I’ll never know, but the sentiment is apropo, isn’t it?
Because every damn day, we just do it. We get through each day. At the end of which, we breathe a sigh of relief that we had this day together. We thank the universe for this time, however tenuous and we have the tenacity to ask for more.
Monday was no exception to this mantra. While it had started with the Surgeon re-suturing the breathing tube bright and early, the day overall was relatively quiet. The sutures seem to be holding, his bleeding was minimal.
He seemed comfortable most of the day. All the doctors oohed and aahed over his skin. It was uplifting to hear how impressed they were with the way his skin is healing.
Go! Baby! GO!
I cracked opened the door in my heart that keeps hope and optimism and light tucked safely away, separated from the fear and frustration and darkness. I let the hope and optimism and light buzz around me for most of the afternoon. I was content to corral the fear and frustration and darkness back into the corner, back into the dark hole it festers in.
Then the Fellow showed up at our door.
Everyday they do blood cultures on all 3 of his access sites. That’s how they knew the fat-loving fungus was growing in his central line and not anywhere else.
That’s how they now know there’s bacteria growing in his new leg PICC.
He’s only had it for two days! How can he have an infection in it already? He’s on 4 different broad spectrum antibiotics, an anti-virual, an anti-fungal and a monthly infusion to ward off pneumonia’s.
HOW CAN HE GET AN INFECTION?
Now I have to wonder – he hasn’t needed as much sedation for the past 2 days. Is it because he’s sick? Not feeling well? I thought he was mellow because he needed blood on Sunday, maybe it’s something else. He threw up yesterday, does his belly hurt? He’s been running low-grade temps for a few days now. Was that the first indication of things to come? I have to go back to my notes – no – the fevers started prior to the insertion of the leg PICC.
UGH! Some days the ‘what if’s’ drive me crazy.
An infection can be a death sentence for him. He already has Aednovirus, the bug that started all of this. He already has malassezia furfur, the fat-loving fungus in his central line. He already has VRE (vancomycin resistant enterococcus) in his poop. Now he has an unknown infection.
And no immune system.
I feel defeated. Deflated. Devastated.
Every. Damn. Day. Just. Do It.
We will get through this day. At the end of which, I will breathe a sigh of relief that we had this day together. I will thank the universe for this time.
And I will always have the tenacity to ask for more.