Thoughts of Jacob

I frequently address Jacob incorrectly as Jonathan.  I am not proud of this.

 I may have to return my Super Mom cape.

Usually Jacob will be doing something inappropriate to Jonathan and I start “Jon…Jacob stop giving your brother an atomic wedgy!” I don’t know why really. Obviously I didn’t call him Jonathan before Jonathan was born. Why do I do it now?  Heck, I’ve even called him by the dog’s name. Really? The dog? Yes. “TobyJon.., I mean Jacob stop making your brother eat cat food.”  That’s bad, right? I mean it’s bad enough to address the siblings incorrectly, but the dog?

Fortunately, I only get the “Jon” out before I realize my mistake. I make up for my misnomer by singing “Jon Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt” and Jacob laughs, I apologize and it’s okay. Wait, did I just apologize? He was feeding cat food to Jonathan, not me!  I was hornswoggled! Again! Jacob has this effect on me.

Jacob senses that he is the odd man out. Evidently being the healthy child has its drawbacks.  He isn’t part of the club, so to speak. He sees what his brothers go through, but it doesn’t register in his 7 year old brain – blood draws, medicines, doctor visits – all he sees is the attention the other boys receive, not the things they have to endure.

Our life experiences are remembered by who was in the hospital at the time. I’ve spent a lot of family get-togethers either at the hospital or at home with the child that couldn’t be exposed to the germs of 20 family members. So much so, I still haven’t met all my husband’s family! But it also means I’ve spent a lot of  family get-togethers without Jacob. I’ve missed weddings. I’ve missed deployment farewell parties.I’ve missed Easter egg hunts and HalloWeenie roasts. I’ve missed birthdays. I’ve missed teeth getting lost and I’ve missed hundreds of goodnight hugs and kisses.

I have missed a lot of things while incarcerated with Capt Snuggles. Jonathan and Zachary seem to be coping just fine, they greet me with hugs and kisses when Dad brings them to see me. They both want to hold my hand and I can’t get a word in edge-wise, their chattering boisterous and happy.

Jacob chooses not to come see me.  

Obviously, this hurts me and I am torn whether to force him to come or let him go to Grandma’s, as he’s requested.

I let him go.

I know, millions of parents miss things with their kids for one reason or another. And granted, Dad and the rest of the family are there.  But Jacob knows I’m not there because one of his brothers needs my attention. That causes hurt feelings and resentments that a 7 year old can’t reconcile with the fact that I love him regardless of where or who I’m with.

 I truly hope that he remembers the things I did just for him. The nights of meteor showers when I wake hime and only him, at 3am to snuggle under blankets in the backyard and to watch brilliant streaks across the sky.  The singing until I’m hoarse, of the “Rainbow Connection”  because it is his favorite song.  The guidance in making decisions that others might not like, but that he’s comfortable with.

We’ll get through this hospital stay and any others that come our way.

 And I promise not to call him Toby anymore….if I can help it.

7 Comments

7 thoughts on “Thoughts of Jacob

  1. Jill (Jurkonis) Lesch

    Amy –
    I often speak of “mom guilt” and how it is so powerful, and not anything I could have understood before kids. Feeling like I can never do anything all the way right or be the best for everyone. While I am not balancing nearly what you are, I have tried to step back and see that is the moments that we are with them that make the differences.
    It’s the meteor showers and the “Rainbow Connections” that he will hold dear. He will always know that you are in his court and love him and his brothers with all that you have.
    Amazing how life has changed since that kindergarten picture, hey? Crazy stuff.
    Beautiful blog – I’m looking forward to keeping up with it.

    Take care-

    Jill

    • Jill,
      I’m so glad you stopped by! It is amazing where life has taken everyone since Kindergarten, isn’t it? I am always thankful for what we have and truly hope the boys can look back at these reflections on our life and realize just how special I think each one of them is!
      I love writing and the response has been so positive. Thank you for the lovely thoughts!
      Take care~
      Amy

  2. Wow, you are a woman of incredible strength. I’m following because your life is exceptional and I want to “witness” it.

  3. I feel for you! Not that we’ve done 3 transplants but I have spent 3 months in the hospital with my son after he had a stroke from e.coli poisoning. It’s miserable. I’ve read all your boys stories and your oldest sounds a lot like my 7 yr old daughter only she has the added distinction of being bi-polar on top of dealing with her brothers issues. If I could I’d send you some strength and comfort in a bottle. You are doing a great job on your blog. Mind is what keeps me sane most days. Anyway I’m sorry I’m kind of rambling so I hope that today ends up being a good day.

  4. I love that song too esp. when kermit the frog sings it.
    My mother has two daughters and four sons my sister Lindsay is known as RaLindsay and I am known as LaRachel. It just happens when there are many kids…don’t be too hard on yourself.

  5. Kathy

    Jill, my heart goes out to you and your family. I am case manager for the BCMH program in our area. Recently twins were born with CPS one may be on the liver transplant but not the other. Do you live close to Sidney, Ohio? May I give this family your name and contact number? I can only be reach by my email I have no website.Thanks. KK

  6. jon…jacob is very lucky to have you as his mom. i don’t doubt that, in the long run, as he grows older, his admiration and appreciation of you will only grow. it may take a while. but he’s obviously figuring it all out. sending a big hug for all your dedication to your children.

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