Pessimistic Optimism: A Mother’s Credo

I am not a perky person.

I do not wake in the morning, jumping up with a “Go Get’em” attitude. I do not spend my day’s whistling happily while bluebirds buzz around my head. I am not so mis-guided as to think the world is all cuddle-bunnies and  feather-pillows.

Nor do I feel I am a full-fledged pessimist. I do not fear the world ending. I do not have a rain cloud over my head spewing hail-stones and lightening rods. I do not dress all in black and mope around like Eeyore.

I am a realist. I am pessimistically optimistic.  I accept things for what they are. If I expect things to go poorly, I am wonderfully surprised when they go well. Conversely, if I raise my expectations and it goes poorly, I know I am setting myself up for major disappointments.

Like now. My life, my families’ life has been in turmoil for several months. It has been like a roller coaster. Good news, bad news, good news, even worse news. I take it all in stride. I cry. I write angry letters to that Omnipotent being with the weird sense of humor. I work it out and I accept it for what it it. It is how I cope. That and an odd mis-placed sense of humor. But you already knew that.

I am bracing myself for the unthinkable. But it doesn’t mean I’ve given up hope. David is in dyer straits, for that there can be no doubt. The uncontrollable bleeding (hemorrhage is such an awful word)  was not factored into the equation that already had GVHD, adenovirus, VRE, respiratory failure, renal failure, the list goes on and on. This new development indicates the adenovirus has settled into his liver. The one thing he had going for him was that beautiful, healthy liver.

Today’s adeno count was the same as yesterday’s.  I know, I know – I “should” be happy that it didn’t go up. The reality is – he got cidofovir yesterday – the count should have gone down. Staying the same is not good or bad – it just is.

He received 2 blood transfusions over night and will get another one this evening. That makes 9 blood transfusions in less than 72 hours He just completed his 4th unit of platelets and received the cryo earlier in the day. The bleeding has slowed some from his NG but has increased from the bottom-side.

The kidney doctors got involved today, they recommended against dialysis. His kidney’s are still producing urine, just not as much as the doctor’s would like to see, given the status of his lungs. He’s maxed out on diuretics.  His electrolytes indicate further that his kidney’s are not well. And the rest of him is too fragile to be able to handle dialysis.

I accept these are things I have no control over. And that, my friends, is the hardest thing in the world to face. I can’t make him better. I can hope for it, but it doesn’t make it so. I can prepare myself for the worse, but it doesn’t make the worse any more bearable.

All I can say is he made it through one more day.

Capt Snuggles ~ This picture is from November, 2010. The last time he was well enough to just be a babe.

And for that I am very grateful, indeed.